Oscar Fashion Predictions: Nostalgia Edition (Special Guest: Joan Collins)

Ursula saw this and asked if she could wear it for Halloween. I’ll fight ya for it, kid.

I watch the Oscars every year.

I used to watch the Oscar-nominated movies every year, too. But then I had babies and now I watch True and the Rainbow Kingdom on repeat instead.

(Thanks to Netflix and iTunes, I did manage to see Best Picture nominees Roma, Black Panther and A Star Is Born. I’m rooting for Roma. Although Lady Gaga made me sob and I never thought I’d ever type that phrase. So there’s that.)

I also watch the pre-show every year. Because the last time I bought a dress was in 2013 — I think? — and I need to know that there are people out there, somewhere, who still wear nice things. I need to know that fashion isn’t dead, it just feels that way.

So here’s what I want to see on the red carpet tomorrow. Everything old is new again — my favourite local boutique just held a Golden Girls party to confirm this — so I’m expecting Alexis Carrington to make an appearance.

Cap Sleeves!

My first Oscar memory — We all have one of these, right? — is of Claire Danes in her pale blue Narciso Rodriguez cashmere tee and skirt skirt. Let’s bring back those sleeves, people.

Anyone wanna go splitsies on some Givenchy Couture?

T-shirts!

Speaking of tees, why not push the look a little further and reference my favourite Meg Ryan red-carpet look of all time? (Bonus points if you get political with your formal T-shirt of choice.)

Christian Siriano’s tee-and-pink skirt is also giving me Bianca’s-prom-dress vibes. Not a bad thing.

Cardigans!

Just go all the way. I have been waiting a long time for this look to return. Do it for the chilly people, A-listers.

Jenny Packham is a Kate Middleton fave. If a sparkly cardigan is good enough for a princess…TAKE MY CREDIT CARD.

Dynasty.

Go big-shouldered or go home.

White dress: Roland van der Kemp. Metallic dress: Greta Constantine. (Canadian fashion!)

Followed by Dynasty: All The Feathers Edition.

Lounge like a prime-time soap star in Elie Saab (left) and Ralph and Russo.

Let’s just have a Joan Collins-only red carpet. Cool?

I like big hair and big belts. This Naeem Kham will do just fine.

Disney Redheads.

The Little Mermaid is out of the vault!…and onto the red carpet?

The best princess dresses: Zuhair Murad (left) and Pamella Roland.

Matisse.

The cut-and-paste master.

Valentino for the win. But best suited to someone who won’t. (You can’t hold your Oscar if you can’t move your arms. It’s a small detail, but it might matter to pickier individuals.)

And last but certainly not least, what’s more nostalgic than….

Handlebar Streamers!!!!

Please, someone important, wear this dress. You can shimmy! It doesn’t need ironing! You will bring joy to the masses! You will WIN THE OSCARS.

Thanks to Ralph and Russo, you can wear the party.