Can a country song give you an STD?
To be fair, I was warned. In a rant by a Nashville resident who knows way more about the country scene than I do.
Florida Georgia Line.
I caught the second half of the CMA Music Festival on ABC tonight.
Hmm, I wonder what’s new in the world of country, I thought to myself, hoping for some fun hooks and impressive guitar riffs with a dash of “How Great Thou Art.” Or Jennifer Nettles.
Bad ink, gal-unfriendly lyrics and ill-named “wife-beaters.” What’s wrong with sleeves?!
(Zac Brown Band and Keith Urban, I’m NOT looking at you. We’re good.)
FGL started playing their hit song I can’t remember the name of and have no interest in Googling.
ME: Look! They’re so gross.
MATTHEW enters the room.
ME: You have to admit that Kid Rock is the sexiest redneck, right? I mean, compared to this?
MATTHEW: They’re just standing there.
ME: So sweaty. With bad tattoos. I can’t even. So awful.
MATTHEW: Um, they’re not playing any instruments. They’re just a country boy band.
To confirm this assertion, the singers slap hands as if playing some choreographed playground game. I’m dying.
ME AGAIN: Ack.
STILL ME: Ooh. Stop it! They’re, like, where Creed probably would have ended up.
The song finally finishes.
You know what it is? It’s the Sheryl Crow effect. Kid Rock did a duet with Sheryl…and I love her. So he doesn’t give me the heebie-jeebies the way this group does. Also, he rhythms “things” with “things” in “All Summer Long.” That takes real guts. So I’m cool with his brand of creepy bro, but not FGL’s.
ME: Maybe if Florida Georgia Line recorded a single with Amy Grant, I’d feel different?
MATTHEW: Oh, my gosh. That will never happen.
MATTHEW: It’s weird that Shania Twain isn’t part of these things anymore…I wonder how country fans feel about Johnny Cash.
Then a band I can only describe as “auctioneer-turned-camp-counsellor-turned-ACDC” started playing.
I need a Dolly Parton palate cleanse.
Friends who listen to country, who are your current favourite non-gross artists?